With the announcement of Final Fantasy IX being released on the PSN, I've been wanting to play through the game again. With the exception of last year when I helped Ellie beat Soulcage (the boss in the Iifa Tree), it had been nearly fours year since I'd played this gem of the Playstaion era.
Longtime listeners of the podcast might remember when Ellie, Xan, and I teamed up for a review of the game in our April 7, 2009 episode. It was a lot of fun to talk about, but when I look back I wish we could've gone more in-depth. Such is the plight of doing a mostly improvised podcast.
Originally I was planning on doing a review of the game when I completed my replay, but something about that felt off. For starters, reviewing a ten year old game for an obsolete console is just plain silly (even if it is being re-released). The expected readers would either already love Final Fantasy IX or send me nasty emails about why Final Fantasy VII is better.
The other thing that bothered me about doing a review is that I still can't be as in-depth as I would like. This game is super long, and writing couple quick paragraphs is not going to sum up my feelings on it. Sure, I could write a 10,000 word review about why Final Fantasy IX is the best game ever, but who wants to read that?
My answer, of course, is to do it anyway (and you're going to like it!). The only difference is that I'm going to break it up over four separate entries, each covering the contents of their respective disc.
These entries are going to be written primarily for people that have already completed the game. As such, they will be riddled with spoilers; however, the story doesn't make sense anyway, so don't worry about it.
I'm also going to include short clips of the music for nostalgia purposes. If you enjoy what you hear, I highly recommend picking up the soundtrack. It's crazy expensive
Vivi the Hot Dog Gnome
Vivi is the reason to play Final Fantasy IX. He's a black mage with a story that unequivocally usurps the real plot. On top of the engaging quest for happiness and self-realization, he's also wicked powerful. When I first played this game in high school, I named him Hot Dog because of a weird dream my friend had about a frankfurter obsessed gnome.
When you gain control of Vivi, he is in the kingdom of Alexandria to attend the play "I Wanna Be Your Canary." This is the first time that you're allowed to truly explore your surroundings in the game. While you could ignore everything and go straight to the ticket booth, you risk missing out on the hidden items scattered in the town, muggers, and the infuriating jump rope mini-game. This is also when they introduce the Moogle based save system and the Mognet side quest.
Fucking Tetra Master, How Does it Work?
Besides potions and money, Vivi will find cards laying in the streets of Alexandria. Later on, you find out they're for a game called Tetra Master; however, you can play it right away if you have enough cards. To challenge someone, walk up to them and press the square button. If they don't play Tetra Master, they'll just speak to you as they normally would.
No matter how many times I play this stupid card game I can't figure out how it works. It seems that winning is achieved by pure luck. Sometimes the bigger number wins, sometimes it loses. Through trial-and-error I've managed to obtain a mild grasp on how it works, but I'm convinced that even Mogster the know-it-all doesn't know all the rules of Tetra Master.
Queen Brahne Was Unimpressed
Something that Final Fantasy IX does particularly well is show situations from multiple perspectives. An early example of this is in the beginning of the game. While Vivi is busy watching "I Wanna Be Your Canary" from the rooftops, the point-of-view is switched to the main protagonist, Zidane. During this time you get to see what the play is like behind the scenes as Zidane prepares to kidnap the princess. You also get the play the sword-fight mini-game.
I've never been much for mini-games in RPGs, but there's something about the simplicity of the controls mixed with my total inability to execute them that makes it so addicting. All you have to do is push one button at a time as you're directed. When they tell you to push circle, you push circle. When they tell you to push triangle, you push triangle. It's so easy that someone who has never played a video game could do it. Despite this fact, I still find myself screwing up constantly. The result in me replaying it over and over until I've finally impressed the queen.
The Evil Forest and Why Trance Sucks Ass
The Evil Forest isn't really notable enough to merit its own section, but the song they play as you're escaping sure as hell does. In a game with well over 100 songs, "RUN!" is defiantly in my top ten. The fast paced tempo combined with the weird time signatures contribute wonderfully the feel of the chaotic scene it plays under.
This is also where Trance is introduced. The Trance bar fills up as your character takes damage over the course of several battles. When it maxes out, you enter Trance and your character gets all shiny and powerful. I have a love/hate relationship with Trance. It's great when it happens because the amount of damage you can do doubles, but you don't get to choose when to activate it. A common result of this is going into Trance during unimportant fights, or worse, going into Trance immediately before the battle ends. Trance blueballs never ceases to frustrate.
The Great Mage Heist of 2000
The village of Dali is where you get your first glimpse into Vivi's story. You find out that the town is manufacturing black mages underground and transporting them to Alexandria to be used as weapons. When you show up in Dali with Vivi they assume that he escaped from the underground factory and so they snatch him as he's looking at the windmill.
Countdown to Zaghnol
One thing that always bugged me was this fountain inside Lindblum castle. If you walked up to it and pressed the action button, Zidane would say "Looks like there's no place to put the medal." For years I wondered what that was about, assuming it was part of some side quest I missed. During this playthrough I finally looked it up online and found that it's just a Resident Evil reference. Thanks for nothing.
Everybody complained that Final Fantasy XIII didn't have any towns. Final Fantasy IX has plenty of towns and Lindblum is one of the biggest. It's broken up into three districts--Industrial, Business, and Theater--which are so far apart that you need to ride an Air Cab to travel between them efficiently. If you're playing for the first time make sure you check out the whole town because you're going to want to be familiar with it for the Festival of the Hunt.
The Festival of the Hunt is just like any other battle in the game, but the time limit and the music playing make it feel more important. Winning the contest will get you 5000 Gil. The best way to win is to fight the Zaghnol which will appear in the Business District when the is clock below 4:30.
Gizamaluke's Grotto Ruined My Life
This is the part where I realized I was being cocky. The last time I played this game, I fucking wrecked every boss I encountered. This time, having grossly misinterpreted the amount of grinding necessary before spelunking Gizamaluke's Grotto, I found myself on the opposite end of that spectrum.
And it wasn't just the boss that was giving me trouble. I can't tell you how many times I got a game over from non-boss fights. If I did win, it was by chance and most of my team was wiped out in the process. The worst part was when I ran out of potions and had to fight my way back to the entrance. God knows what I would do to have a white mage on my team right now. Too bad she drugged me in Lindblum and ran off to Treno.
Kuja is Super Gay
Don't get me wrong, Sephiroth was pretty gay, but Kuja has to be the gayest video game antagonist I've ever come across. Unfortunately, there isn't much to say about him just yet because he doesn't show up until the final cutscene of disc one, but he is dressed like a belly dancer when he does.
The mere fact that only girls cosplay as Kuja more than proves my point.
See you next time in Treno, the dark city of nobles!
If you still have your PS2 you can find Final Fantasy IX for $11.94 here
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